Ｂｒｅａｔｈｅ．

Render by Author.

Change always hits you from around the corner. It’s all smooth sailing to the goal till everything turns upside down. And then you have to have to stop pick up the pieces that remain and keep walking. Or sometimes change the goal because the said goal is impossible to reach now. It is demotivating and people will usually fall in a slumber or a pit of self-pity. For me it was my own self-hatred returning, It takes a long time to look myself in the mirror and blame myself for the situations that have come forward. 

I know the person on the other side feels the same if not worse. Nevertheless, somewhere my heart does not want to acknowledge that. My heart takes for granted that it’s always more valid that it is the one that aches and nothing else. Is it romanticism then? That will make me be content with being miserable. Or is it the fact that somewhere, I have grown to think that to succeed in something, it really takes someone to be awful; either in his circumstances or in his personality. It is funny how my brain accepts the later so unequivocally, with no shadow of a doubt. Perhaps it sees itself in third person, where it marvels in the story that it can be. Just imagine if you are watching this unfold, it must be riveting to know what happens next!

Narcissism is the excessive interest in or admiration of oneself. This can extend to physical looks, ones way of living or devaluing others life to one’s own. Am I that then? maybe. Will acceptance help? Or will denial keep me away from it? It only comes on surface when I introspect so deep in it. If I shut down my brain and don't think about it, I can be a jolly person who giggles and laughs it off with my buddies. These extreme emotions rise when I start devolving. It really gets confusing; the brain isn't an easy thing to decipher. 

I try to revisit this essay, finding meaning, erasing texts that do not make sense or parts that I feel have overcome. But without any clear motive the essay loses its place. What conclusion do I draw from it? Equally important question is does everything need a conclusion? Can I leave this open ended? Probably I will delete this paragraph the next month when I open this blog entry again.

As time has moved past, change has come by unexpectedly as it always chooses to appear to me. And luckily this time it’s good. It’s not the greatest time for me, anxiety, fear and a sense of not belonging where I am are still there; yet there is a lotus growing in a pond filled with corpses. I'll say my duty now will be to take care of the lotus and not clearing away the corpses that are heavy and bloated as they rot away around me. The mind takes its confusing paths at self-salvation, making decisions first and then coming up with excuses to justify them. This trait is often attributed to a person’s heart, but it’s quite clear that the heart cannot really 'think' or make a person do anything. Yet the heart part of my brain seldom makes a choice with careful consideration, a true romantic and that’s why I guess they call it the heart.

Times are better now; they seem hopeful and filled with a child-like glee. Am I better than what I was 4 months ago? It cannot be. Not a lot has changed inside me. Yet I am overcome from the self-pity that I was so engrossed in. My careful considerate part of me tells me to look out for bad times and my carefree, ever-loving part of myself tells me to continue being what I always was and continue. 

Till I see you again!  

•